MY GAME IS:

what i dreamt last night

angela.quach@gmail.com — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:55:07 GMT

i dreamt that i was on the way to mexico with my man when i became paralyzed with a grave disease. this disease caused vegetables to grow FROM my right calf. i was HORRIFIED and REFUSED to go on vacation and asked to see a doctor. i don't remember if i got to see a doctor or not, but i later ended up sitting next to a midget.

Calves

To see your calves in your dream, symbolizes movement and your ability to jump from situation to situation.

Legs

To see your legs in your dream, indicate that you have regained confidence to stand up and take control again. It also implies progress and your ability to navigate through life. If your legs are weak, then you may be feeling emotionally vulnerable.

To dream that you legs are wounded or crippled, signifies a lack of balance, autonomy, or independence in your life. You may be unable or unwilling to stand up for yourself. Perhaps you are lacking courage and refuse to make a stand

Vegetables

To see vegetables in your dream, signifies your need for spiritual nourishment. It may also foretell that you are lacking in that nutrient.

Vegetation

To see vegetation in your dream, represents obstacles that you have to overcome in order to grow as a person and move forward.

Midget

To see a midget in your dream, suggests that you are feeling small and insignificant. Do you feel helpless in some situation or have a deflated sense of self-worth?

angela.quach@gmail.com — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:55:14 GMT

A week ago my friend relayed to me a discussion she had had with her college friends. "Men always bring the crazy out of you."

Last Sunday, I had my head buried in a pillow screaming that I was going insane.

I hate when my life becomes a cliche.

angela.quach@gmail.com — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 17:26:15 GMT

angela.quach@gmail.com — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 05:40:26 GMT

i don't think people care anymore.

angela.quach@gmail.com — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 04:03:28 GMT

YAY!!! IM SO FUCKING HAPPY!!! CHRISTIAN YOU ARE SO FUCKING FIERCE!!!!!!

rip

angela.quach@gmail.com — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 20:32:43 GMT

:*(

ive never met him but his passing makes me really sad.

2007

angela.quach@gmail.com — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 10:34:50 GMT

1. 1 wedding, 4 engagements. congratulations honeys!
2. babies! DERREK & FLOWER!
3. realizing how strong/awesome i am
4. JAPAAAAAAAAAN
5. ella-ella-aye-aye-aye
6. parteEs with kalim & lee
7. starbucks gift cards
8. re-entries: abfab marathons, k & jpop
9. finding the bootleg harry potter 7 five days before the book came out
10. accessories: cameras, ipods, boots & scarves.

i can say with all certainty that 2007, to date, has been the most challenging year of my life. i dealt with varieties of very high stress this year. i was in a car accident. cheated on. trial prep (60-80 hrs a week). went broke. and my mom got really sick. all within 2 months. i am proud that i didn't run away or commit suicide. i faced every issue i had this year, promptly and aptly. im dope.

concurrently, 2007 also had some of the highest points of my life. travel. important milestones for my friends. babies! great concerts and movies. and my own resurrection.

and ill be even better in 2008.

happy new years to you!

angela.quach@gmail.com — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 02:07:03 GMT

For the first three people that reply to me and re-post this challenge, I will send you something. It might be something I've made, or something cool from my hidden stash, it might be a mix CD, or a rubber duck, a book I think you will enjoy, or something else that is awesome. Whatever it is, I promise that I will get it to you in 365 days or fewer. The only thing you need to do in order to participate is to be one of the first three to reply to this, AND post this very same thing on YOUR LiveJournal - cause it's fun to give people stuff.

angela.quach@gmail.com — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 09:03:53 GMT

i think that there are those that can put up with me.
but i need someone who can keep up with me.

Day 4

angela.quach@gmail.com — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 04:58:38 GMT

mommies and babies.
i love mommies and babies.

Day 2

angela.quach@gmail.com — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 21:03:24 GMT

today i went to target with my co-workers. i was perusing the books and related multimedia, because i need something...something to get my mind off of things. i asked felicia, what book would you recommend? i need something, something to get my mind off of everything. unknown to my other coworker that she is also a source of my stress as well, this other woman said, "um you can WORK!"

implying that all the sacrifice i have made here is not enough. im not the one ditching, she is. im the one who shows up at work everyday even WHEN my life has fallen apart. what does she do? LEAVE ME IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR NIGHT SHIFT BECAUSE SHE CAN'T HANDLE HOW MANAGEMENT IS TREATING HER. LEAVE ME WHEN WE HAVE TO FILE EIGHT BRIEFS THE NEXT DAY. THREATEN TO NOT EVER COME BACK. that's what she does.

i said nothing. i cannot understand people who are hopped up on cocaine. i dont like the insensitivity. i dont understand how someone who i almost see as a mom at work, could be so careless and crass. knowing FULL WELL that im keeping a secret for her, as i work through a break-up, work through brutal humiliation, work through this fractured life i have right now. and work so hard.

i feel like a lone boat being thrashed in a storm.

life vest?

dismantled

angela.quach@gmail.com — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 05:23:23 GMT

this year started out so promising. and bit by bit, everything is being taken apart. my personal life is in ruins. my work life charges full speed ahead but im running on empty. not ONLY have i been working non-stop since august but my co-worker, who is my sr. and supposed to go to trial with me, has decided to leave this firm. and this morning announced to me that she might leave earlier in the beginning of november and take a month off.

i am being abandoned everywhere.

not only that but she has been consistently counseling me to leave this job. not because im not good at it but because my talents would probably be better elsewhere. but i have DEBT. i can't run off and create more debt. i can't leave current debt unattended. i can't allow my parents to pay any of it off. i want to do it on my own.

the only thing keeping me here, besides the paycheck, is felicia. who she is also threatening of taking.

i can imagine my 2008 already. ill be alone. in life and at work.

it is surprising that jumping off a cliff has not entered my thoughts. i live for a promise of a better day although i am not guaranteed one. the stress that i have gone through in the past few months is so high. i wonder how i wake up every morning. people who had promised to help, don't. people who had promised to take care of me, don't.

i feel completely dumped.

angela.quach@gmail.com — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 03:24:45 GMT

i guess i can't say that i know the real potential of anything or anyone any longer. things have shifted to another velocity. tacit communication has gone out the window for the moment.

broken and refortified.

--------------------
other things.

at roughly 5:30pm heather's water broke.
here we go ---

angela.quach@gmail.com — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 04:29:08 GMT

do you ever really want to know somebody?

angela.quach@gmail.com — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 05:30:21 GMT

sometimes you have to realize what you have and what you don't have.
sometimes its difficult to see clearly.

and sometimes its difficult to choose whether you want to see clearly or not.

seems like

angela.quach@gmail.com — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 07:09:30 GMT

adults don't get to be who they really are. for some time now, ive been feeling misunderstood. im probably too careless. but when it boils down to work, especially attorneys that i work for...ive become quite keen to keep a certain distance. to be honest, the LAST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET that should ever affect or BE effected by me would be the attorneys that i work for. i mean come on. im almost a freaking pee-on. there is NO reason for anything i say or do to affect their lives whatsoever. they shouldnt think about me outside of this office and i really shouldnt think about them (unless they are being assholes in re: to my servitude).

there is one particular attorney who makes me feel that i rubbed her the wrong way today. she would send requests to other paralegals that would easily be answered by me. when i tried to leave on time today (i haven't left on time for about 2 months and have been working 6 days a week), she sends an email to the OTHER paralegal (more senior) that i work with asking why i was leaving. i don't leave on time tonight expecting that perhaps she has things that she wants me to do for her, and NOTHING. i received absolutely NOTHING from her. what the fuck was the point of that email wondering why i was leaving ON-TIME?!? and i STRESS on-time because holy fuck, i am entitled to a life every once and awhile.

and the best part? it probably isn't me at all. she's just lashing out at me for no reason at all.

i know that these reasons seem kind of weak. but she is generally a very warm person that i like very much. this weird treatment pisses me off to be honest.

whatever.

in the back of my mind, i can imagine that there was one TINY LITTLE THING that i did that she took the wrong way. just like ALL of the recent drama that ive been experiencing lately. i don't think ive been clear. or else ive been really too careless and have been too honest. i don't know.

work is a public sphere, i know. i know that one should always be cautious re: how to behave around co-workers, attorneys no less. and ive been working on it. i really have. being such an open person, its been difficult but ive been really working on it. you don't know who you can trust. and honestly you should trust no one.

BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY PEOPLE OF THE WORLD?!? WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST FUCKING GET ALONG? BE DECENT PEOPLE? BE OPEN? BE HONEST? WHY CAN'T WE RESPECT OTHERS? WHY CAN'T WE SEE THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF THINGS?

i havent written in weeks but i just had to write out my thoughts.

fuckin a.
i hate working for the man.

finances.

angela.quach@gmail.com — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 03:05:04 GMT

someone has to save me from myself.
my god.

europe in 08

angela.quach@gmail.com — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 06:29:11 GMT

im'a comin...

angela.quach@gmail.com — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 23:54:03 GMT

The map of the US, with states renamed according to their GDP equivalents (note this isn't normalized to population, so it's kind of silly; this is only in raw terms).

Together

angela.quach@gmail.com — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 07:32:41 GMT

tonight with janky i watched a great movie, Shortbus. another beautiful film by john cameron mitchell, it focused on the idea of "together." through sex, through orgasms, through voyuerism, through failure, through frustration, through comradery, and through love...i believe i have been missing some of that in my life recently.

this weekend?
i had a viral infection in my throat. i was shunned from communication for almost 3 days. i went through fevers of 105+ and ALSO chills. my blackberry continuously buzzed during my FIRST precious sick day. and i started carrying narcotics (don't worry, it was prescribed). completely weak, stressed (yes, reading work emails/requests/demands/questions is stressful), hardly able to drink water, and unable to speak, i cried myself into frustration all day on friday and throughout the weekend. and since during my slow recovery, i haven't been able to get my head, body and soul back together. my mind is a room of hushed whispers.

until watching this.
i know i always sound slightly dramatic after i watch wonderful films. i can't help it. they give me something that i feel is so wonderful i am giddy to share it. because.

after a weekend of complete isolation and incubation. and then forced back into the world of demands...i started to play the victim card. i felt i deserved a few days a victim for the unfortunate thing that happened to me. i believed that i would feel love/care through pity.

and this film reminded me. that you feel love together. you are most happy together. you are most happy when everything is everything. when everything is connected. when you feel connected.

on the ride home i was thinking about being 25. i know i think about that alot. but im not famous, i might as well continue to silently author my biography in my head. anyway. i thought about how sometimes you get so stuck on one path to achieve some goal that you lose sight of other options and, perhaps, the CORRECT path. i thought about my peers. my social groups. how badly everyone wants to shine. we are like a city of blinking lights. we saunter down the street, "I AM THIS!" "I AM THAT!" trying so hard to shine as bright as we can. looking at everything illuminated is beautiful. looking at the interesting displays of uniqueness is inspiring. but what if. we are losing sight of the actual goal? sacrificing out goals to "win?"

myself. i have always been happiest learning. i love anything and everything that brings me in touch with other things. i love finding myself, you, him, her, them, and that guy in new things i experience. i love connecting the old with the new. i love when i feel together. and more and more, i am starting to realize that since working in the adult-world, i have lost sight of together. i have instead started to isolate myself. compare myself to them, you, her, him, them, and that guy. and i have found myself unhappy, frustrated, prideful, envious, angry, and afraid. because comparison and contrast cocks your critical eye, together is not in the recipe. i don't want to cook that any longer. it was interesting while it lasted.

i think it was only in japan (well, except when i saw the hot girls in tokyo) that i found together. i found together in another way. i found it by NOT standing out. not being the loudest in the room. not with the wildest outfit. not being the only asian girl. not being the only one smoking. as a tourist, my light was off and i was undistracted and allowed to look for together in every place. the way a child laughed. the way a bus driver drove. how i can KINDA read japanese if i tweek my chinese skills a little bit. how in front of mt. fuji, we are all specks. together.

sorry if all of this is jumbled, weird and or difficult to understand. i wrote it for myself to remind myself of what had transpired tonight after a shit-rific day. and perhaps better equip myself for shit-rific days in the future.

angela.quach@gmail.com — Thu, 24 May 2007 19:48:38 GMT

i shot a gun yesterday.
i shot it several times actually.

a month

angela.quach@gmail.com — Tue, 22 May 2007 05:35:55 GMT

a month since i departed for japan.
3 weeks since i left it.
and it's all i think about.
i don't know if that place or just travel in general.
but i misss it so much.

i have to figure out a way to turn what makes me happy into money.

Japan

angela.quach@gmail.com — Tue, 01 May 2007 01:26:26 GMT

was MOST DEFINITELY the best experience of my life.
i love that country and im feenin it.
i miss it so much already.

pictures to come.

Another one bites the dust

angela.quach@gmail.com — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 06:55:00 GMT

please join me, in congratulating Jenny and Kao on their engagement.

angela.quach@gmail.com — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 05:06:58 GMT

addicted to Planet Earth.

3 more days...