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03 November 2009 @ 10:01 pm
relationships boggle my mind. i am always looking for the truth and generally relationships don't have many - save one: do you want to be with me or not?

tonight on the way to dinner felicia and i had a discussion about analytical reasoning and how it varies between cultures. in our chinese families, its difficult to get a straight answer out of anyone. we had to train ourselves to answer questions - the american way. i believe in this american way (but not all american ways).

i am a sick person. i am constantly trying to improve myself - cheaply. which means i muse on paradigms/theories/causal relationships and employ them in my own life to see if i can get the result i surmised. ive put in a good number of years training to answer questions and to not be satisfied unless my questions are answered.

so. when i am having a relationship issue and i launch a few well-thought-out questions at my boyf and he has no answers; i go insane. and tonight i wonder if its simply because he's chinese. how can every answer be "i don't know." i don't know how he doesnt go insane for not knowing. i always MUST know. i MUST know why i feel this and what led me to that and WHAT IM GOING TO DO NOW/IN THE FUTURE. its not that i don't recognize the fragility and chaos of life its that i recognize that to live a heroic life - you understand fragility and you put on a lie to move forward knowing its a lie. human existence is a lie - abuse it for what its got; be the best human you can be.

im not sure what he would say to that. i dont think he'd dismiss me but im not sure if it would shed any light either. in the end i know that our squabbles are typical ones but they drive me insane - WILL THERE EVER BE AN ANSWER?!?
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
05 March 2009 @ 01:14 pm

i listened to NPR on the way to work this morning as i always do. they had a small segment about a guy who has been given the task to raise money to help stop climate control in developing countries.

when i hear stuff like this, i feel like both sides of my brain are crashing at once.

one feature of being a liberal is that your fellow liberals don't need to be cut from the same cloth as you. which is why when there is a democratic-led congress and presidency, republicans just want to throw up and waste our time rattling off those increasingly frequent buzz words, "pork" and, now, "ear marks." yes -- we don't always agree. but i think the politics of galvanizing and navigating such a mixed bunch, if one is successful at it, apprises one with great experience with reality.

so back to NPR -- after that small story, i felt some liberal discontent.

and this is why.

i think politics is the practice between principals and practicality.

my core is rested on science and history (human science). things die and things are born. when i hear that XX million dollars are being used on reversing any environmental damage human-use may have caused to reduce the population of a chipmunk that ONLY lives in that habitat, i sit in my commute and purse my lips.

i don't think humans are special. i think we're animals. and in that sense, i draw a line between saving the polar bear and ice caps and this fucking chipmunk population of 400 in a remote area in northern california.

what i don't understand is what is our OBSESSION with trying to either retain some sort of status-quo or trying to turn BACK the hands of time.

polar bears. yeah we fucked up. we fucked up so bad that now polar bears have no hunting grounds. and yes, as a scholar of Planet Earth, i know that polar bears need these ice caps to feed. i also know that the ecological system down there is MUCH more fragile. there aren't that many animals PERIOD. fucking up their food chain has gross effects. THAT i get and support.

but this chipmunk whose populations MIGHT be in danger because they are moving north? or developing countries who really need food and need funding for infrastructure to get a solid self-functioning economy started?

i don't fucking get it. if we all group together and focus on a few goals, it would be less money and human effort wasted. there needs to be SOME cost-analysis. do humans have some self-defacing GUILT for creating cars and being retarded with the planet? people who really believe in science should open their eyes and see things for what they are. the tendency to categorize and to map out ever intricate eco-system has caused lots of money wasted. bleah.
20 October 2008 @ 09:50 am
i dreamt that i was on the way to mexico with my man when i became paralyzed with a grave disease. this disease caused vegetables to grow FROM my right calf. i was HORRIFIED and REFUSED to go on vacation and asked to see a doctor. i don't remember if i got to see a doctor or not, but i later ended up sitting next to a midget.


To see your calves in your dream, symbolizes movement and your ability to jump from situation to situation.


To see your legs in your dream, indicate that you have regained confidence to stand up and take control again. It also implies progress and your ability to navigate through life. If your legs are weak, then you may be feeling emotionally vulnerable.

To dream that you legs are wounded or crippled, signifies a lack of balance, autonomy, or independence in your life. You may be unable or unwilling to stand up for yourself. Perhaps you are lacking courage and refuse to make a stand


To see vegetables in your dream, signifies your need for spiritual nourishment. It may also foretell that you are lacking in that nutrient.


To see vegetation in your dream, represents obstacles that you have to overcome in order to grow as a person and move forward.


To see a midget in your dream, suggests that you are feeling small and insignificant. Do you feel helpless in some situation or have a deflated sense of self-worth?
05 August 2008 @ 09:53 am
A week ago my friend relayed to me a discussion she had had with her college friends. "Men always bring the crazy out of you."

Last Sunday, I had my head buried in a pillow screaming that I was going insane.

I hate when my life becomes a cliche.
09 July 2008 @ 10:26 am